Written By John Sonmez
I know a lot of you guys are shy, you might consider yourself an introvert. I don't really believe in the term, to be honest with you.
So in this video, we're going to talk about confidence and how to just be confident in a conversation. #howtonotbesociallyawkward #howtostopbeingshyandawkward #howtoholdaconversation
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Transcript Of The Video
John Sonmez: Today we're going to talk about confidence and confidence when speaking. We're going to be talking about how to just be confident in that conversation. How to just flow with your words and to not really care what other people think about you, because that's so important. If you guys are just joining me for the first time, I'm John from simpleprogrammer.com with this channel. I teach you how to become a better software developer, how to live your life better, how to enjoy your life and how to have your career skills.
This is the Japanese version of my book. It's pretty cool. It's much more compact. I've got an American and English version that you should check out. There's a link down below on Amazon and it's the top number one selling software development book right now. So go check it out. Also, make sure you click the subscribe button if you want to upgrade your career as a software developer, learn some soft skills. Learn how to just be one of those guys that just flows with your language and doesn't worry what other people think of you.
That's what we're going to be talking about today. So yeah. So I get this question a lot from guys. I do a lot of coaching and like I said it comes in a variety of different forms from lots of software developers that have problems speaking and being comfortable talking to other people, being comfortable in front of the camera, being comfortable putting themselves out there, especially talking to girls, which again, on Bulldog Mindset, if you want to check out that channel. I talk about that a lot. All right?
But yeah, but what we're going to be talking about today is just how to be of more flowing in your conversation. How to be more confident when you talk and to not really care what other people think about you. And again, this is something that a lot of you guys I know you struggle with and you feel awkward. So let me kind of describe, let me kind of paint the picture for you and tell you a little bit about my experience as well with this. Because this is something that I think most guys face at some point in their life.
And what I see a lot of times is guys that they'll tell me that, “I have social anxiety. I'm afraid to talk to people, especially around girls. And I don't know what to say in a conversation. I get nervous. I just feel uncomfortable. And I rethink about what I said and was that stupid? And I kick myself in the head and say, ‘Oh gosh, you shouldn't have said that, John.'” And let me tell you guys, all right? I have been there. I've been in that place. If you go back in time and you look at my older videos on my other channel, you'll see that I was not very comfortable with myself. I had this kind of very high pitched voice.
I thought I'd do something a little bit different.
I was very robotic in my movements. And to be honest with you in social interactions, I was pretty much terrified, right? Even before then I guess by the time I was doing YouTube videos, I was a lot better, which you can see how bad it was. But I was afraid to go and talk to people. And when I would talk to people, I would freeze up, I'd be constantly kicking myself about things that I said in a conversation. And I didn't really have confidence or authority when I spoken. So because of that, I didn't have charisma. So one of the things that I kind of discovered in life, okay? Which is really important is that it really, really doesn't matter what someone else thinks of you.
Not only that, but ironically, what it turns out is that the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more charismatic that you are and the more that people like you, right? So if you're watching this channel, if you're watching this video, one thing that might've come across and I tried to do this just from the being of this video is for me to be just very much not really caring about that you're watching me or what I'm saying and to not really give an eff. Again, I'm trying not to say that word so that you could see that this kind of natural, just me kind of vibing me with you is something that is alluring to people. People want to be around someone who talks like this, who is understanding, who doesn't really care what they're saying. Okay?
Again, it does not mean to say that I'm just going to go off into space. Although I do that from time to time, but I'm trying to really give you kind of a really good idea of this. And I'm not being very careful with what I'm saying. All right? And the reason why I'm doing this is because I'm giving you a demonstration of what it's like to just be yourself in a conversation and not really care. All right? So many times what we're doing is we are being very careful at what we're saying. We're being very worried about how people are perceiving what we're saying. And because of that, that self-consciousness, it makes us uncomfortable. It makes the people that are around us uncomfortable and you kind of just have to let go of that. Just have to let it loose, right?
You can … You can scream. You can just start. Good exercise would be just the blue on the tips of the tulips is tickling my nose underneath my toes. And I feel like I want to stick my finger in my eye, up in the periscope of time. You know what I'm saying, my man? Whatever the wind blows up in my anus. Okay? The reason why I did that is that because I'm just talking. It doesn't matter what I'm saying. Right? I don't care. It doesn't matter. And so a good exercise is for you to just try doing that. Just try talking about random stuff. Just whatever words come into your mind and just letting that flow. And then allowing that to be.
What I'm doing is I'm trying to give you an exercise that you can utilize in order to get into the state where you don't really care what people think and you're not evaluating what you're saying. Because the more that you evaluate what you say, and the more that you make that conscious, the more uncomfortable you're going to be, the more uncomfortable you're going to make other people, the less natural that you're going to seem. And the more that it's going to be difficult for you to operate in social situations. Right?
So one of the best things that you can do is to just let … They call it diarrhea of the mouth. Just let the words spill from your mouth. Now, don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean that you need to do this all the time, but if you can become comfortable with being uncomfortable and doing this, then what will happen is that in your normal conversations, you'll be able to flow a lot better. You won't be constantly thinking about what clever thing that you should say next and about what stupid thing that you said previously.
All right? And that's really, really important, especially again, for you guys interacting with girls. This is a very big thing, right? Women are going to want confidence from a man that's talking, especially if you're going up in cold approaching just talking to some girl that you find attractive and you want to have a conversation with her. The worst thing that you could possibly do is to go out there and be nervous and trying to be clever and trying to be careful at what you say.
The best thing that you could do is to be the kind of person that says, “You know what? This is who I am. Just take me as I am. And if you don't like it, fine. My life is great. It's just, life is wonderful. My life is wonderful. I'm wonderful. I'm an awesome guy. And I don't really care if you like me, if you validate me in any way, I'm just here. I'm just here dancing through life having fun because life is fun.” And so that's really the key is to be able to speak in that way and just be free flowing to not worry about what the implications are of what you're saying and those actions.
So a couple of exercises. Okay? I'll give you a couple here to help you out. So the first one is what I already showed you, the blue in the sky of the monkeys and the wrenches up and down. I spin around the merry-go-round and I twisted my ankle on a blue nut and a squirrel ate my ear off. Just doing that exercise. And you can just practice out yourself, just a free flowing. And if you really want to take it to the next level, just get in a conversation with someone and just like I did here, where I kind of patterned interrupted you. You didn't expect that I was going to just start spewing some random nonsense.
Just do that. Just start talking to someone. Okay? Maybe someone you already and just start saying that stuff and just force yourself to do it. All right? It's going to be uncomfortable. Your face is going to turn a little red or whatever, but allow yourself to do it. And the more that you can do that, the better off that you're going to be. You're going to become more comfortable with just saying whatever comes to your mind. You want to really be able to free associate when you're speaking. A person who is a good speaker, a person who is charismatic is someone who just lets the words flow for them. They're not trying to calculate what they're saying. They're not trying to hold back. They're not worrying about their words. Okay?
So that's number one. All right? The second exercise that you can do is to what I call create awkward silences. So again, when I'm coaching guys and they're trying to learn to overcome their social anxiety, I'll have them go up or I'll demonstrate for them and go up to a nice looking lady and just say, “Hey.” Just kind of look at her and just get her attention. And then just that. Just nothing. Just don't say anything. Just create an awkward silence and then stew in that awkward silence. I mean, you could just do a dead pan look and then just let the other person break that silence because they're going to get uncomfortable and they're going to think you're weird, which is fine. You have to allow that. So that's a good exercise that you can do.
I know it sounds weird. I know that a lot of you guys are like, “What is going on here?” But trust me, like these are exercises. There's a reason why I'm giving you these exercises because these things will actually help you. And it'll really drastically improve your ability to just flow and to be confident in the conversation and to communicate with people because you'll stop second guessing yourself. What I want you to do is to develop the ability to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Now you might be wondering like, “Why am I doing this on this channel?” Why am I talking to you guys about this? Because I've been in a lot of emails from software developers lately that have been having this problem, that have been kicking themselves about conversations they've had worrying about how they're being perceived by other people and having a lot of social anxiety. And these are things that can help you to be able to get over that. So let me know what you guys think about this.
Let me know what you think about these kinds of videos. I've been kind of I don't know, on this channel, I've been trying to keep it more on the career skills, software development side of this. But I feel like I'm neglecting some important things because I'm not teaching you guys the things that are really going to be more effective in helping you in life, especially if you have a lack of communication skills. If you're shy, if you feel like you're introverted again. Like I said, I don't really like the terms introverted, but let me know what you think. Leave a comment below and let me know if you're going to try these exercises and which one, and let me know what the results are. Okay?
I really want you to try the first exercise if you can. And then the second one as well. I want you to do both actually. Okay? Because I want you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Once you can do that, the world is your oyster. Okay? The world is, is it your oyster? It becomes an oyster to you or something you can open up. You won't clam up. Let's put it that way. You won't clam up. All right, guys, that's it. Talk to you next time.